Thoughts on depression

There have been a lot of articles on depression since the recent passing of Chester Bennington. Every time a well known person commits suicide, the same type of articles and messages come out telling people to just speak up, talk about their issues, and ask for help. I feel like Chester did that more than most people struggling, and it didn’t lessen his problems or save him in the long run. Maybe it prolonged his ability to cope and stick around longer. I know his openness helped all the fans, and that’s why we would cling to every lyric and interview that related to what we all struggled with.

There is no easy answer for depression. It frustrates me when people post suicide hotlines as if that would solve everything. The last thing I want to do when I’m in a hole of despair is call or text some anonymous person and have to explain everything. I know people just want to help. I don’t even know what advice would be better. I think it all comes down to coping in the moment and finding what you need.

I’ve been listening to The Hilarious World of Depression podcast, and that has been a big comfort. It’s interesting to hear how other people cope, and how depression has played out in other people’s lives. That’s healing. Music can help. It can also be super triggering, especially when you are attracted to depressing sounds like me. There’s weird comfort in the sadness too though. Music is the theme of a couple episodes on the THWOD podcast, and which songs get people through.

This year has been an all around extreme low for me. When I’m in those dark times, I try to comfort myself by saying, “At least it can’t get worse than this,” but it always does. It makes me scared for my future. I just cannot let myself think big picture, or I will be overwhelmed. I’ve had waves of depression for as long as I can remember, and as bad as it would get, and as much as I wanted to die, I knew I never would attempt anything. But this year, I finally reached a low where I knew I could try it. I was ready. It was so upsetting. It’s like you know it’s wrong and you don’t want to, but everything is too overwhelming. It’s too much for too long. And also, I think about the fact that this will never go away, ever. I’ll have these waves forever. That seems unbearable. I used to think if i had this or that, or reached this goal, or got this job, or met this person, everything would be fine and I never would feel this way again. I know that’s not true now. I could win the lottery tomorrow and be handed everything I ever wanted, and I know these waves would still come and that despair would still be there waiting for me.

I know this runs in my family, and we talk about it sometimes. My mom likes to push God as the solution for everything, and ultimately I do believe that. But in the moment of despair, I get so angry at him for letting me feel this way for so long. Like, what is the purpose for such sadness and what is the point of a life like this. What is the point of my life?! There is a verse that people like to use that says something to the effect of God will never give you more than you can bear. My mom always says that people get that wrong. He doesn’t promise that you won’t be handed more than you can bear, but that he will be there to help you through what you cannot bear alone. I really need to believe in that. I guess I’m more prone to rage at Him, than ask for help in those times, and maybe that has contributed to my downfall.

To any other like me, I love you! I hope you find a way to cope. I hope you find more moments to enjoy in life than you let yourself anticipate. Cling to the simple things that bring you true joy! I hope you find a way to live the life you were given.

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