Lately, it feels like real life has actually turned into The Happening. Suicide is a plague, and who knows who will be the next victim. Friends, acquaintances, and celebrities: people are just ending their lives right and left, and it feels like it’s escalating with no solution. As someone who suffers from severe depression, I don’t even know how I feel about it all. It’s definitely upsetting, and at the same time I just feel almost envious of the people that finally had the nerve to end it all. Oh, they don’t have to feel this way anymore.
Just the beginning of that feeling, when you know you’re about to slip into another hole, that feeling alone is enough to make me want to grab a gun and blow my brains out. I don’t even feel the full effect of the depression yet, but I know what’s coming, and I know it will be worse than before. It always is. It is too much. If you feel offended or angry by that statement, then you have probably never felt true depression.
Mentally, I can understand suicide to be an irrational feeling, but emotionally, it makes the most sense. In the worst of times, I can still logically tell myself that it will pass, and that I will again come to understand that suicide is a terrible option. But at the same time, everything inside of me sees no other options or hope of options that could possibly conclude living any longer. It’s emotionally exhausting. It’s why people just don’t want to deal with it anymore. Why go through the same scenario over and over again.
I don’t think I will ever understand why life is so painful. I don’t understand why there is such loneliness. I don’t understand why there is so much heartbreak and indifference.